I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
