I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
