there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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