moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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