I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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