This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
