hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
