you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
