I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
