the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
