Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
