It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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