Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
