it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
