i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
