Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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