Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
