No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
