I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
