he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
