my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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