i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
well you can't waste a boner
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
