worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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