I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
This toilet bowl is my home.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
