Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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