There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i believe in u and ur pee
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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