I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just had sex on a roof
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
