Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
