i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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