Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
