just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
