Just fell off a train. Bad.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
