She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
