He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
