Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
