It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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