His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
