Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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