the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
