I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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