Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
