I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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