OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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