Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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