I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
