i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
