I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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