We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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