She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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