At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
